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Te Mataré Ramirez

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We were sitting outside at La Fabrica Del Taco, a popular Palermo joint serving up cheap Tex-Mex style fare, when we noticed something strange about the restaurant next door. It had the appearance of a fancy, exclusive club, with red curtains obscuring the interior, but every couple who approached the door looked anxious and slightly furtive, like kids about to put their hands into a cookie jar. I went to investigate and, after reading the menu, understood the nervously excited behavior of the people going inside. Te Mataré Ramirez is an aphrodisiac restaurant. And its menu is among the best things I’ve ever read.

Warning: if sexually explicit language doesn’t sit well with you, stop reading now

Erotic Restaurant

Here are some of the meals featured on the menu. This is totally serious, I am not nearly clever enough to make this kind of shit up.

You Scream with Ecstasy While You Beg for Penetration
Of Brazing Lips and Inflamed Desires
Childish and of Insolent Vocabulary, She Emanated the Aroma of her Secret Fluids
Your Female Swell Annihilates Me at Night
Savory, You Split Apart like Ripe Fruit
I Tear Out Enjoyment from Your Warm Treasure with My Flaming Tongue
You Indecently Drank the Eruption of My Pleasure
I Covet the Beauties that Her Short and Airy Skirt Suggests
Your Mouth Dances While Kissing and My Tongue Revolts
Playing in the Dark, Playing to be Strangers, to Have “Company”

Waiter, I think we’re ready to order! I’d like to start with a Childish and of Insolent Vocabulary, She Emanated the Aroma of her Secret Fluids. Oh yes, that sounds quite good.

Immediately, I called Jürgen and our friends over, to join in the mirth. While we laughed, another shame-faced couple approached the door… we felt bad for mocking their erotic evening, and quietly returned to our tacos.

Hilarious, and I have to admit that I’m intrigued. Who among our readers has been to Te Mataré Ramirez? Don’t be shy! I need to know what it’s like.

Te Mataré Ramirez
Gorriti 5054
Location on our Buenos Aires Map
Tel: 4831-9156

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May 1, 2011 at 5:01 pm Comment (1)

Tierra Santa … Holy Cow

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Jesus Merchandise

Tierra Santa, found in Palermo’s Parque Norte next to the Newbery Airport, is a Jesus-themed fun park. Though, calling it “fun” might be stretching the truth a bit.

Fly To Jesus Land

Step right up, and get your picture taken with Crucified Christ, Argentine flag waving proudly behind him! Or right over here, let’s have fun watching Jesus struggle under the burden of the cross. My, how lifelike his agony seems! Wonderful, clap clap. Haha, Johnny, step up here and get a picture with the Roman soldier whipping Jesus. Smile, Johnny! You are at a fun park, after all.

Jürgen and I were sold after reading about Tierra Santa’s big draw, a massive Jesus statue that emerges from the ground once an hour. Yes. It was like hitting the atheist’s irony jackpot. So, we went. We had to.

The park turned out to be lame. I mean, of course it was lame, but even more so than we’d expected. The big nativity show was ridiculous. Are you old enough to remember Showbiz Pizza Place? It was like that, except a lot less cool. And there was nothing to do in the park. You could get your picture with demonic, twisted caricatures of figures like Mother Teresa or the Pope. You could pet a donkey. Buy a Pepsi. That was about it.

Honestly, I don’t know who the target market for Tierra Santa is. If you take religion even the slightest bit seriously, you’d be horrified by. Maybe it really is for people like us: godless heathens who just want to have a laugh. But it’s not even good for that.

Tierra Santa
Location on our Buenos Aires Map
Buenos Aires Sights and things to do

Weird Buenos Aires
Jesus
Tierra Santa
Me and My Donkey
Jesus Party
Jesus Shock
Fake Church
Giant Jesus
Jesus Cross
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April 27, 2011 at 11:26 pm Comments (3)

El Querandí: Dinner and a Primer to the History of Tango

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Great Hostels in Buenos Aires

There are a few ways to experience tango while in Buenos Aires. Milongas are probably the most popular option, where people of all skill levels join in the dancing. And there are recitals with excellent music, usually no dancing, but possibly the most authentic. Or, you can choose the full-on tourist experience of the dinner show.

Sexy Tango

We arrived at El Querandí at 9:30, and were promptly served dinner: salads, empanadas, steak and wine. While eating and awaiting the show, we met our table companions. Everyone in the restaurant was a foreigner; German, American, French, Japanese. That would usually be a turn-off, but not tonight. The crowd was happy and energetic, and besdies, you wouldn’t go to El Querandí if you wanted to be surrounded by locals. The show is an overview of tango’s history! Hardly a lesson most Argentinians would need.

Once the lights went up, idle chatter with our new friends immediately stopped: our attention was entirely captured by the show. Two hours of top-notch dancing and singing, with incredible music performed by an odd quartet consisting of a piano, violin, bass and accordion. Some of our favorite moments in the show were actually just the band playing by itself.

The initial acts were set in the outskirts of Buenos Aires in the late 1800s, when roughly-dressed workers and the immigrant women who worked in brothels were inventing a new art form. The way it turns out… and I had really suspected as much… and perhaps especially when it’s performed by young, skilled and beautiful people… and, yes, perhaps especially when they are dressed as rough-n-tumble dock workers and prostitutes… well, the tango can be … let’s just call it “passionate”.

There was singing as well, with a tribute to Carlos Gardel who popularized tango both at home and around the world. As the show moved into modernity, when tango found acceptance among all walks of Argentine society, the sets became more professional and the dress more genteel. The grace and timing of the dancers was amazing, and there were a number of beautiful moments. The dancers struck a lot of classic poses, which was well-appreciated since photography was permitted during the show.

Fine, it’s not the most authentic way to experience tango in the city, but El Querandí provides a wonderful evening of food and music. And anyway, “most authentic” doesn’t necessarily mean “most enjoyable”. We were amazed at how well-staged the show was, and how much fun we had. If you’re looking for an entertaining evening out, and a solid tango show, you won’t be disappointed in El Querandí.

El Querandí’s Website
Peru 302
Tel: 11 5199 1770 (Reservations Necessary)
Location on our BsAs Map
Travel Insurance

Tango Cena
Tango Salad
Tango Steak
Tango Singer
Music Buenos Aires
Tango
Tango Argentina
Tango Dance
Tango Classes
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March 10, 2011 at 12:50 am Comments (3)
Te Matar Ramirez
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